There are ups and downs of life. There are hills and valleys, dark days and sunny days, good times and bad times. There are many cliches and tropes of the balance that exists in life. That’s because it’s true. In my experience, there does seem to be an ebb and flow. What I am coming to learn is that it’s not simply a balance of going back and forth, but a duality that exists simultaneously. In my work with troubled youth and emotional regulation there have been many times that I’ve offered the council that we can feel more than one feeling at once, even when they are contradictory. I have become very familiar with the happy/sad state of mind the last year, and that has been amplified by travel being an experience that brings out emotions.

Traveling is certainly an experience which can be really intense and lead to emotions erupting to the surface. There’s the physical toll of a flight or bus ride, lifting and carrying luggage; switching time zones and sleep patterns; being immersed in a new and different culture; and also the excitement, joy, and unpredictability of a trip away from home. The experience is full of dual highs and lows, and all that change can influence your emotions quite unpredictably. I’m sure anyone who has traveled has experienced this emotional short fuse; the burst of frustration when there are delays or cancellations or the braindead exhaustion from the heat and dehydration in the tropics.

Travel can push you to those brinks where your brain cannot function at its rational best and so the primal emotions pick up the slack. That can range from arguing with a bus station attendant because you’re hangry to joyous tears falling down your face as you watch the sun come up over the peaks after an exhausting morning hike in the Himalayas.

While traveling this year, I’ve also been grieving the passing of my mom, so I have been experiencing the emotional intensity twofold. ‘Traveling must be a great distraction,’ people have said, and it is. Especially during the highs on an excursion to ancient ruins, listening to the audio guide learning about another civilization; or sitting with my love at a park watching the sun set behind the nearby volcano; living life to the fullest and enjoying those moments as I know my mom would want for me. But that’s just it, what she would want, because she’s not here. I can’t call her and tell her about the amazing places I’ve been and new cultures I’m learning about. So all the beautiful, joyful, distracting experiences also have this undercurrent of missing being able to share it with her. With travel emotions on high, that undercurrent isn’t that deep under the surface.

There are also the days where something suddenly brings a wave of grief crashing on top of me. In Mexico I had been walking around in markets, taking in all the sights, smells, people and chaos all around, and then I’d see a beautiful handcrafted piece that would be a perfect gift for Mom. My tears welled up for a second as I blinked my eyes a bunch and tried to focus on the next stall, keeping at bay a breakdown in the middle of a busy marketplace. At a market or out on the street are places where I’m already on alert to be safe in traffic and crowds, and there’s a high level of sensory intake, so with all that going on it doesn’t take much for emotions to come bursting through. It happened often in markets, since my mom loved crafts and beautiful decor and was so appreciative of the work of artisans. She was always a fun person to shop for, so despite the sadness of not being able to bring her souvenirs, seeing things she’d like is also a reminder of her love of art that she shared with me and one of the many ways she brought light into my life. 

So there’s an ever present happy/sad layer lately. I’m feeling so much happiness and gratitude for the experience of traveling and for the love and lessons I received from my mom that are always with me. At the same time the pain and longing left from her passing are with me now, intertwined in every happy moment. They don’t disappear, they coexist. This coexistence has had me thinking a lot about the yin & yang symbol. It represents the interconnectedness of life, and that everything exists in harmony with its contradictory opposite, symbolized with its mirrored black and white design. My mom was actually the one who taught me about it, and I can remember her teaching me how to draw it, as it was a symbol that she often used in her own creations. It seems fitting and meaningful that she was the one who introduced me to the concept of balance and duality, as I deal with how to move forward with the joys of life while missing and aching for her.

Forward is the way, though. For me, that means continuing to travel and forge a new path for myself, and along with that comes the intense high and low emotional waves. I’m learning to get comfortable with the happy/sad, the interconnectedness. When it comes to travel, there are adventures and amazing new places out there to explore, and there is also my grief and missing being close to my family and friends when I’m away. Every experience will always have its contradictory opposite. Life moves fast and takes many turns, so as we try to navigate it, all we can do is cherish the happy moments and appreciate the lessons of the sad ones, and move forward with both.